Ohhhhh, Bulmer’s! I don’t like it!!!
I think everyone, well, I think some people, owe something to Koppenberg. These beautiful people provided the answer for some other people (not sure if they were beautiful or not) who went to the pub but didn’t like beer, in fact all they wanted to do was order a Bacardi Breezer (or if we were to set this nowadays, a VK) but were afraid of looking, well, immature (and not hard enough if you were a bloke. In fact not hard at all). Step in Koppenberg. We were allowed to buy a ’proper’ drink, cider after all is a proper drink, but at a fraction of bitter alcoholic taste. I can’t quite bring myself to say it tasted like a pear - anyone who’s actually tasted a real pear and thinks it comes out in Koppenberg never really tasted a real pear - but it was sweet, fruity, and, erm, delicious. I was never a person who didn’t like beer, I like the taste of alcohol (which must be a good thing, right?) but I was definitely partial to a Kopper down the local - it was refreshing, gave me a sugar burst, and was a bit cidery. But then something happened. I’d laid off the pear ciders for a while, stuck to vodkas and real ciders, and decided to partake in one once more. Oh my god! It was so sweet, so hideously sweet, that I couldn’t believe it had ever been a regular of mine. From then on, it was over for me an the Kop, although we share some good memories and I still admire its work.
THEN - Bulmer’s put out an advert. It was an advert for a new Bulmer’s Pear Cider. Now oi do loike a bit o the ole coider and I know Bulmer’s is a good brand, it’s done me well in times of Magner’s shortage (or other non-brand organic makes - they’re really what you call a cider), and adding to that, there’s something about cider adverts, the still ones not the TV ones, that really get to me; remember the Christmas Magner’s with a close up of a cold, gold, dripping pint next to a fresh crisp holly leaf? Oh the pain - the pain that caused me!
So I forgot my differences with pear cider - everything deserves a second chance. I gave into the advert, as I knew I would the first second I saw it (was in a random little pub in Suffolk, I remember it well…) and I bought myself a bottle and I drunk it. Because Bulmer’s is quality right? Right? I wish I could affirm. This did not taste like cider, nor did it taste of alcohol, it tasted of a pearish water with a load of glucose added. It wasn’t even that fizzy! Water is one of the main words to describe here, it was unbearably watery and I couldn’t believe that Koppenberg had the better version. Bulmer’s is expensive, the least they could have afforded to put in was a bit of carbon dioxide! Certainly the word we’re not looking for here is cider. If Bacardi (or VK, whatever) made a pear flavoured breezer it would probably taste a bit like this; in fact they should - if everyone is crazing over pear cider they may as well just give into the fact that either a) they like pear flavoured substances, and should therefore have a perry, or b) they don’t like the taste of alcohol, and should just face up to it by showing everyone that yes, they are drinking an alcopop (or just don’t drink at all - that’s probably cleverer).
Anyhow Bulmer, it’s a bummer - stick to what you’re good at love.
I think everyone, well, I think some people, owe something to Koppenberg. These beautiful people provided the answer for some other people (not sure if they were beautiful or not) who went to the pub but didn’t like beer, in fact all they wanted to do was order a Bacardi Breezer (or if we were to set this nowadays, a VK) but were afraid of looking, well, immature (and not hard enough if you were a bloke. In fact not hard at all). Step in Koppenberg. We were allowed to buy a ’proper’ drink, cider after all is a proper drink, but at a fraction of bitter alcoholic taste. I can’t quite bring myself to say it tasted like a pear - anyone who’s actually tasted a real pear and thinks it comes out in Koppenberg never really tasted a real pear - but it was sweet, fruity, and, erm, delicious. I was never a person who didn’t like beer, I like the taste of alcohol (which must be a good thing, right?) but I was definitely partial to a Kopper down the local - it was refreshing, gave me a sugar burst, and was a bit cidery. But then something happened. I’d laid off the pear ciders for a while, stuck to vodkas and real ciders, and decided to partake in one once more. Oh my god! It was so sweet, so hideously sweet, that I couldn’t believe it had ever been a regular of mine. From then on, it was over for me an the Kop, although we share some good memories and I still admire its work.
THEN - Bulmer’s put out an advert. It was an advert for a new Bulmer’s Pear Cider. Now oi do loike a bit o the ole coider and I know Bulmer’s is a good brand, it’s done me well in times of Magner’s shortage (or other non-brand organic makes - they’re really what you call a cider), and adding to that, there’s something about cider adverts, the still ones not the TV ones, that really get to me; remember the Christmas Magner’s with a close up of a cold, gold, dripping pint next to a fresh crisp holly leaf? Oh the pain - the pain that caused me!
So I forgot my differences with pear cider - everything deserves a second chance. I gave into the advert, as I knew I would the first second I saw it (was in a random little pub in Suffolk, I remember it well…) and I bought myself a bottle and I drunk it. Because Bulmer’s is quality right? Right? I wish I could affirm. This did not taste like cider, nor did it taste of alcohol, it tasted of a pearish water with a load of glucose added. It wasn’t even that fizzy! Water is one of the main words to describe here, it was unbearably watery and I couldn’t believe that Koppenberg had the better version. Bulmer’s is expensive, the least they could have afforded to put in was a bit of carbon dioxide! Certainly the word we’re not looking for here is cider. If Bacardi (or VK, whatever) made a pear flavoured breezer it would probably taste a bit like this; in fact they should - if everyone is crazing over pear cider they may as well just give into the fact that either a) they like pear flavoured substances, and should therefore have a perry, or b) they don’t like the taste of alcohol, and should just face up to it by showing everyone that yes, they are drinking an alcopop (or just don’t drink at all - that’s probably cleverer).
Anyhow Bulmer, it’s a bummer - stick to what you’re good at love.
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